Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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