News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
