I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
