If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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