Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
