I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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