I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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