Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
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No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
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The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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