i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
