3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
