my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
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Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
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I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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