I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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