I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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