her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
