jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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