I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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