can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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