There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
