It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
