I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
