we're chasing vodka with high fives
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
