One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
