Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
why do cheetos always look like penises
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
