Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
