don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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