I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
not ubering you a puppy
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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