Your face is a jimmy john
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
