i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
