he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
