Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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