Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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