I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
