Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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