Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
This is the high leading the old right now
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
