So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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