i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
