He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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