The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
