yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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