What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
