I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
