do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
