and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
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Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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