and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
