Your favorite bartender is back from prision
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just want nice things and good sex
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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