You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
