Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
