Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I want her autograph on my taint
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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