i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
