whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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