I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
