I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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