I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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