I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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