one word: firstdatebathroomanal
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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