btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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