So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I deserve this hangover.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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