my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
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He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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