she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Let's get the cat blown out
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
