after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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