like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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