She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
